One day my psychologist (doesn’t everyone have a psychologist?) asked me; “How do I selfcare, or self-love?” I paused for a moment trying to decide what my best answer would be, and I found it to be more difficult than first thought.
Well I exercise, I eat well, I take pride in my appearance, I socialize. But she still pressed me, “but what do you do toward self-love?” Didn’t I just answer that question?
Cultivating feelings of self-love can, for some of us be quite challenging. A lot of us have been brought up being told not to love yourself, but this isn’t about vanity, this is about having compassion for yourself, caring for yourself, just as you would toward others. Studies show that self – compassion and love are key to mental health and wellbeing. Making us less prone to depression and/or anxiety. An interesting fact that 1 in 5 Australians suffer a mental issue starting with depression and anxiety.
For many people, when you start to talk about self-love, they get a little uncomfortable and think it’s not for then. But the thing is, it’s a necessity, a deal breaker for our wellbeing and we all need to self-love. Especially those among us who are perfectionist (yes, I’m raising my hand). We are always striving to be better; we give more, we work harder than maybe we need to. That’s not self-love
Studies have show that perfectionists are at a higher risk of both mental and physical illnesses, and that having some self-compassion might just lessen that risk.
So, what is self-compassion? Self-compassion and self-love are one and the same. The more self-compassion you have the more able you are to deal with life challenges and traumas.
Let’s look a little closer:
Self-kindness – treat yourself with gentle understanding. If you make a mess up, cut yourself some slack – forgive yourself. Say yes to you even when it means saying no to someone else and be ok with that.
Warts and all – recognising that none of us are perfect, we’re all doing the best we can. Don’t take things personally and accept all experiences as part of our human existence.
Be mindful – avoid over thinking, seek calmness. Self-compassion means being kind to yourself even when you are suffering, lean into the discomfort of suffering and it will soften.
Pay attention to your internal dialogue, notice if it is kind, or unkind. When you make a mistake, what is the first thing that you say to yourself? Are you critical or are you understanding? If you are critical, how do you feel emotionally? Would you say the same thing to someone that you care for if they made the same error? Probably not. The more aware we become of our self-talk, the more able we are to change it.
Examples of kind self-talk (mantras)
‘I am suffering, suffering is part of life’. May I be kind to myself’.
When you are suffering, instead of judgement or criticism, ask yourself what it is that you are needing. The simple act of enquiry is self-compassion right there.
So, getting back to my psychologist’s original question, how do I self-care and/or self-love.
I don’t sweat the small stuff (well not as much anymore).
I am very aware of my inner critic and ensure that my inner dialogue has a warmth to it.
I honour the emotions that arise within me, even when they are not comfortable emotions.
I meditate daily, and on the days that my mind is restless and meditation is a little more challenging, I smile, because there is always tomorrow and today is for observing the ‘Monkey Mind’
I say yes to me even if it feels selfish – honouring your own needs above others is never selfish. If some people take issue with you not meeting their needs at the expense of yours then that is their issue to deal with, not yours.
When someone is a little mean to me, I don’t take it on board. I figure that they are suffering, and with that I feel compassion for them. That doesn’t mean they can say/do hurtful things – it’s ruthless compassion (a topic for another day).
Finally, I am on the right track. How do you selfcare and self-love?